Prison Break

“Yo, yo, Mickey, what’s up my man?”

“Don’t you ‘yo yo’ me, motherfucker!”

“Yo chill dawg! What crawled up your skirt, huh?”

“What took you so long man, you’re like fifteen minutes late!”

“Ah man, you know, these surprise inspections and all. Don’t know what’s up with the warden these days but I hear there’s been a lot of those in other cell blocks as well…”

“Yeah, well, don’t make no mind to me. Just make sure you get here on time. I got other people to see, man!”

“I’m here now, man! Wanna do business or yap your mouth all day like my old lady?”

“Did anyone see you coming out here? Anyone follow you?”

“Naw, dawg, it’s cool, it’s cool!”

“No, it’s not cool, dipshit! If anyone catches us here we’re both way screwed!”

“I told you dawg, it’s cool! No one saw me or followed me! Sheesh!”

“Are you sure?”

“Fuck ya, I’m sure, man! Damn! Give it a rest man, or I take my goods somewhere else!”

“Oh yeah, like you could move stuff in here! You can’t do shit without me signing off on it, junior, and don’t you forget that!”

“Ya whatever, man”

“So do you have the materials?”

“Ya man, right here, two ounces of grade A Columbian powder ready for distribution! But…”

“But, what the fuck?”

“Well … see bro, the price has gone up.”

“What the fuck does that mean, the price went up? We had an agreement!”

“Ya, we had an agreement, man. But see these guys, they just won’t do it without an extra eight hundred.”

“Why the fuck would I pay more? This is ridiculous! I never should’ve brought you into this!”

“Yo chill man, it’s the way of the world, you know!”

“Yeah, the way of the world, like Dog eat Dawg?!”

“Look, this global economic recession is affecting everyone.”

“Why should I give a fuck about the globe! Just sell me my stuff, damn it!”

“Tell you what, should give a fuck about the globe because this stuff is affected by fluctuations in oil prices, which impact my guys’ transport costs, increased security measures because of the war on terror which require more payoffs, while products to refine the stuff is more controlled and policed so we have to hire internet wizards to order this without drawing attention. High overheads, man! Not to mention that inflation and unemployment are way up this year and our dollar is crashing in the currency market! All this makes this bag worth eight hundred more than what we discussed.”

A contemplative pause to let all those long words sink in and dissolve like Alcaseltzer in water.

“So, you still interested?”

“You little lying shit! This ain’t about recesses, inflammation and curries! This is about you!”

“Say what? You got your head so far –“

“I see your game now shit-for-brains! You want a bigger cut! That’s it, isn’t it?”

“You been dipping in your own stuff again, man? That’s just –“

“Oh yeah! You’re telling yourself that you’re not being given a fair slice of the pie. Yeah, yeah, you sit there thinking, ‘I’m the one taking the risk of moving the stuff and arranging for it to come in to this fine establishment. My services are worth more than the fifteen percent I was promised because I’m a greedy bastard.’ Getting warm?”

“Shee-it, if this wasn’t about business, it would be really funny, man…”

“You wanna hear funny, little man? Let me tell you funny. This guy walks in to a bar. He’s really broke and really thirsty. Very irritable. So he walks up to the bartender and pulls out a sawed-off twelve gauge shotgun. ‘Give me the money and that bottle of scotch,’ says the guy, pointing with the weapon. The bartender is startled and hesitates after raising his hands like the coward he is. The guy with the gun is really irritated now and still thirsty, so he pulls the trigger taking off the head of one of the patrons sitting at the bar. The bartender –“

“Where the fuck is this going man? You got people to see, remember!”

“I’m just getting to the good part. The bartender is now whimpering like a schoolgirl. The guy with the gun asks again, politely, ‘Give me the money and that bottle of scotch.’ The bartender hesitates again and another patron’s head explodes like an overripe tomato being microwaved at high. Then –“

“Ha, ha. What’s the fuckin’ punchline?”

“Ok shitbag, the punchline is that I’ve been here way longer than you, you fuckin’ muppet. You’re barely twelve in Dawg years and your face is still patchy with peach fuzz. You don’t get to tell me what to do! Ever!”

“Fine, I’ll just take my business somewhere else. But I’m guessing I won’t be doin’ that because you know what? You know you can’t get that shit from anyone else but me. So just bend over and take the deal, man!”

“I’ll take your stuff. I’ll pay you but only half a grand extra, nothin’ more. If this is how you do business, you can bet your black bootie that I’ll look for another partner. And trust me, when that day comes …-”

“Sure, you do that, gramps. In the meantime, that’ll be the new going price.”

“Wipe that smirk off your sorry excuse for a face! And I’ll be sure to let all my boys know that you’re responsible for taking their dough. But you, pull this shit on me again, you’ll –“

“Don’t you fucking threaten me, motherfucker! I still get you the best deal in this yard you can ever hope to get you little white hands on!”

“You just keep telling yourself that, 2Pac! But if you ever change prices after we got ourselves a gentlemen’s agreement, you could find yourself in a very – how shall I say? – delicate? Situation… Plenty can go wrong inside these walls!”

“Yo dawg, don’t go getting your white chicken feathers all ruffled up! It’s just business. And you should remember two things, you hillbilly F U C KKK. One, you ain’t no goddamned gentleman! And two, I’ve got insurance on the outside. Anything happens to me, man…”

“Christ, you’re walking the line, diaperboy! I own this place! This is my prison!”

“You may be the old dog in this place, yo, but when we get out, me and my homies, we own the streets. You feel me, biatch?”

“Oh I feel you, you little punk! I’ve come across your kind before. As a matter of fact, many in this place. But as your supervisor, I expected more from a fellow guard than to rob his colleagues. Now give me this shit, break finishes in ten minutes and I gotta be in Cell Block C when my shift starts.”

PT6/6/09